Abuse: Surfers write: Questions, letters,venting and pleas for help from CyberParent readers.
Letters from Surfers.
I am a 57 year old woman who is in a second marriage of 7 years duration. We have beentogether 10 years. As with so many others, he was wonderful to me in the beginning, and ofcourse, through the dating period.
I should have seen the signs of verbal abuse early on, for I witnessed his temper towardsothers. It was not directed at me then, and stupidly, because I wanted to marry again, Ichose to ignore it.
Life has been pretty intolerable these past 2 years, and that is a conservative estimate.He calls me every dirty word in the book, and spends little time with me in average,normal communication. He clicks TV, I purchased this computer and am here at it much ofthe time.
I do not work. I used to work. During the time I thought our marriage was good I quit myjob because my husband said I had "paid my dues" in the workplace. Now, I haveno pension to look forward to. I am finding it very difficult to find employment and thusfeel I have no place to turn.
I feel very much alone. I want this marriage to succeed, but it is only getting worse.This is a non communicative household. He refuses to seek help, even though I have offeredto go with him if he did.
Sometimes I feel so very desperate. I wish I could make a decision to go off on my own,but fear appears to be my middle name. This is not fear of him if we separated, but my ownfear of what would happen to me if we did. Would I survive? Would I be able to keep myhome and pay the bills?
I never in my life thought I would be writing a letter like this and am horrified that Ishould have to do so.
If anybody has any thoughts on the subject, I would appreciate hearing them.
I am a 58 year old woman who had thecourage to leave when I was 56.
Yes, I was afraid with the samefears you had. However, I started learning computer courses and when I was pretty sure Icould get a job (the high tech business is not particular about age, especially if youwork contract), I left.
I may not have the most affluentretirement, but I certainly will have a happier one than if I had stayed with myverbally abusive husband.
Besides, verbal can turn physical andoften does. So, start learning some computer courses and escape! You may have to changeyour lifestyle. I did. But it is definitely worth it!
Good luck to you!
HI I AM A MOTHER OF 2 CHILDREN, 3 & 61/2. I WAS IN A NEXTREMELY VERBAL AND MENTAL MARRIAGE FOR 8 YEARS. I HAD BEEN ISOLATED, CONFINED TO THE HOUSE AND HUMILIATED DAY AFTER DAY IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN. HE HAD TOLD ME IF I LEFT HIM, HE WOULD TAKE OF WITH THE KIDS AND I’D NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN.
I AM CHRISTIAN AND IT"S BEEN SO HARD FOR ME TO JUSTIFYLEAVING HIM BUT I DID. AT THE ADVICE OF MY ATTORNEY, I GOT A COURT ORDER FOR HIM TO LEAVE THE HOME SO THE KIDS WOULD NOT HAVE TO BE MOVED. THE COURT ALSO GAVE HIM A RESTRAINING ORDER WHICH AT THE TIME SEEMED A LITTLE HARSH (SINCE HE HAD NEVER PHYSICALLY HURT ME OTHER THAN PRETEND TO CHOKE ME AND REQUIRE ME TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM) I AM GLAD NOW THOUGH BECAUSE HE REFUSES TO LEAVE ME ALONE AFTER 9 MONTHS REGAINING MY SELF RESPECT AND THAT OF MY 6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS THE HARDEST THOUGH BECAUSE ANY OF MY OPINIONS, OR ATTEMPTS TO OBTAIN AUTHORITY WERE ALWAYS IMMEDIATELY SHOT DOWN AS A MOTHER. I HAVE NOW FILED FOR DIVORCE AND THE FATHER, A DEVOUT CATHOLIC IS ACCUSING ME OF NOT TRYING TO RECONCILE! I SAY TO HIM "I TIRED FOR 8 YEARS!!! IGNORED THE ADVICE OF THREE COUNSELORS BECAUSE OF MY BELIEFS AND FINALLY HAD ENOUGH!!!!
NOW FOR MY QUESTION. DOES THIS EVER END???
THE THOUGHT OF EVER LIVING WITH HIM AGAIN MAKES ME SICK BUTWHY DO I CONTINUE TO DOUBT MYSELF ON THIS CHOICE I’VE MADE? HE HAS MY DAUGHTER EMILY THINKING THAT MOM HAS DONE A HORRIBLE THING BY LEAVING HIM AND GOD IS MAD AT ME. HE ALSO QUESTIONS HER ABOUT ME AND WHAT I AM DOING? I FEEL THAT MY CHILDREN ARE BEGINNING TO RESPECT ME MORE NOW BE I AM FINALLY ABLE TO BE AN AUTHORITATIVE PARENT AND I KNOW THAT THEY ARE SECURE WITH ME BUT HOW TO I STOP HIM FROM DOING THIS MIND CONTROL TO THEM??? I HAVE A JOB NOW AND I REALLY LOVE IT. I AM MAKING NEW FRIENDS IN THIS CITY THAT WE’VE LIVED IN FOR A YEAR IN A HALF (WE MOVED FROM CA TO WA) AGO. BUT I STILL CANNOT SEEM TO GET FREE FROM HIS CONTROL! HE STILL MAKES ME FEEL AWFUL AND RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THIS!
DOES IT EVER END! MY DIVORCE IS FINAL IN APRIL BUT HE CLAIMS IN GODS EYES I WILL BE HIS WIFE FOREVER UNLESS I HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN. THIS, HE SAY S WILL SET HIM FREE SO THAT HE CAN GET ON WITH HIS LIFE! HE CLAIMS HE HAS CHANGED AND THAT HE HAS TALKED TO CLERGY, READ BOOKS, BUT NEVER GONE TO COUNSELING BECAUSE HE FIGURED IT ALL OUT. HE STILL DENIES THIS AS ABUSE AND THAT WE WERE ONLY FIGHTING. SORRY TO MAKE THIS SO LONG, BUT I JUST NEEDED TO VENT! II HAVE A GOOD MALE FRIEND WITH WHOM WE GO OUT TO DINNER AND A MOVIE ONCE EVERY 2 WEEKS WHEN THE KIDS SPEND THE NIGHT AT THEIR DADS…HE TREATS ME WITH RESPECT AND ENCOURAGES ME AND WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN. BUT…IN THE BACK OF MY MIND ARE ALANS WORDS, HAUNTING ME ALL THE TIME! I WISH THERE WAS SOMEONE ELSE WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH THIS OR UNDERSTANDS….IF YOU KNOW OF ANYONE, I WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO THEM.
RLG SPOKANE, WA
Yes, it does end. My ex-husband also tried to get meto come back while insisting his "problems," were cured. He said his problemswere cured one day, then said he never had any the next day.
Every year that you are away, you will feel betterabout yourself and your decision. Just try to keep him from "pushing your buttons’and try to limit contact with him as much as possible.
Your children saw what you went through and know inthe back of their mind that you are right. I had one child who was mad at me when I left,but she has come back and now says it is the best thing that ever happened. Goodluck to you.