Abuse: Teen abuse in relationships. Questions, letters, venting and pleas for help from CyberParent readers.

Hello my name is Jenny. I am 17 years old and I was in a relationship
with a boy for two years and it was horrible. He called me names, told
me I was worthless, wouldn't let me see my friends, and other things. I
don't know why I stayed with him. He made me believe no one else would
ever want me, he made me think everything was my fault. He called me
names if I wore a dress or anything that didn't cover my butt or didn't
cover my legs he said I was showing off. He got mad at me for saying hi
to my friends so after awhile I lost all my friends. My parents made us
stop seeing each other for awhile but he convinced me he has changed and
I begged my parents to let me see him and they finally let me and
nothing changed. He still had no respect for me at all. Finally my mom
made us break up for good and it's been about a month. I am so much
happier I use to cry everyday. I starting to get my old friends back.
My old boyfriend and I did have some good times but not many and every
once in awhile I start to miss him but I guess it's only natural. I
have met a different boy and I realize how good I could be treated. I
don't want to be in a relationship right now I just need some friends
right now to help me stay strong. Write me back.

Answer

I am 19 years old and also had a problem with a boy I dated when I was 17. I know that you feel that you will never want to be in a relationship again, but you will. I am dating a great guy now who treats me real nice.  Just stay around your friends for a while, then go back to dating. We all have lessons to learn and I guess we both learned ours the hard way.

JT

I am a verbally abused wife. It is hard to admit, and I wish that it didn't
happen.
My husband is a hard working professional and NO one would ever believe the
way he talks (yells) to me. My 13 year old daughter is also the brunt of his
temper.
I found out, just before his dad died that he was the same way to his mother.
I've confronted him with the pattern and that only lead to more abuse. He
says that it is me, thus leading to lower self esteem. We have a handicapped
son, 6 years old, who's care is mainly up to me. I do not work outside the
home at this time.
Leaving is not an option at this time, as much as I wish I could. I could not
support
my children financially alone. I know that it is better for children if the
family is all together, but I feel like only a shell of a person.
I mentioned that I would like to get counseling, that only lead to more verbal
abuse.
He says that professionals only tell you what you want to hear and that they
are all "man bashers". I think he is afraid of being "discovered" , but not
afraid enough to stop. He would be embarrassed if people knew how verbally
abusive he was, however
so would I. People think that he is the most wonderful, person , husband, and
father.
Boy! if they only knew. I don't have anyone to talk about, so writing helps .
I'm hurting a lot inside , but keep going for the sake my children.
kh

Answer

THIS LETTER IS FOR kh;
 
I wish I could offer you help, but can only offer encouragement and let you know you are far from alone in what you are suffering.  I too, am posted on the pages about abuse, as my husband does same thing to me.
 
I think, no matter the difference in our ages, (I am obviously older than you), the hurt is the same. 
 
My husband is, of course, wonderful when he wants to be.  However, I never know what mood he will be in when he comes home at night.  If the mood is good I literally take a deep breath of relaxation.  He is also a great guy when in company and everybody thinks he is so nice.  We are in a second marriage, both of us with our own grown children.  I have heard him cursing his own children.  He admits he has a problem but will not seek therapy even though I have offered to go with him.  He thinks he is doing ok because he his not hitting me.
 
When in a bad mood he picks on everything I do or say.  He yells, has put his fists through walls, curses at me and then tells me I am the one who set him off.  I may love him but certainly have come not to like him.  As I am older than you are my fears lie in the matter of survival for myself if we separate, keeping my home, paying the bills and what do I have for my old age.  However, you are young with your whole life ahead
of you.
 
You say you stay in the marriage for the children and the support obviously, and that leaving is not an option.  I don't know, being an abused wife myself, that my advice is worthwhile, but I think that if I were young, even with children, I would desperately search for a way to get out of this relationship before it is too late for you and for your children.
 
Your children will watch this happening to you as they grow up.  They themselves may become abusers of their children. 
 
I don't know what you can do in order to support them.  However, as a younger woman, your marketplace value is certainly higher than mine is.  Or, possibly you could return to school yourself to learn how to do something that would make you employable. 
 
I doubt this letter will make you feel much better.  I hope, though, that it may get you thinking.  I believe that at your age there certainly may be options for you.
 
Sincerely,
 
EC

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