Abuse: Questions, letters, venting and pleasfor help from CyberParent readers.
Letters from Surfers.
I am 29 and have been married for 4 1/2 years. From my perspective we had the perfect marriage. I first noticed something was wrong 6 months when she would be very bitter and resentful at times. Then she left. I have been to counseling and have learned about the roots of my abuse — insecurity, fear. Most of what I read on this web site suggests that I am destined to be this way my entire life. I don’t want to! I want to have a marriage in which we are equals — share decisions financially and emotionally, love and respect with out control.
I know I need to go to more counseling, but is there hope for the abuser, or am I destined to be an a.h. my entire life?
I have a question relating to my mother. I’m 37 now, my mother is 69. My father, brother and I have wondered about my mother for years — wondered if she was abused as a child.
I am not sure where to look for information, hopefully you will be able to help.
My mother has zero capacity to hug and hold, to say she loves. She can write "I love you" but not say it. If you hug her it is like hugging a tree. She is Swiss and when she has been asked "why can’t you express things?" Her response is "Swiss don’t do that." That response is "insane." Ifanything, Europeans are far more expressing in love and friendship than Americans are. Additionally, in a private setting, I doubt the mother-child love is affected by "culture."
My mother’s story about her childhood is also strange. In her story her childhood was perfect. No family fights, friction, etc. Listening to her, she was raised in heaven. BTW my mom was raised in Switzerland during W.W.II. Her father was Italian and due to the German-Italian relationship, Italians were looked down upon. My grandfather lost his real job during the war and the only way he could support his family was to work cleaning sewers. I find it hard to believe he was the happy camper my mother makes him out to be. I do know that there was a fear of this man, even though he is always spoken about in "loving terms." I have witnessed first hand his tempter, even though he is always presented as having none.
My mother has one sister. My Aunt was married and while my uncle wanted children, my Aunt had 3 abortions instead.
Also, my mother has a hatred of the Catholic church. Not a dislike, not a differing religious attitude, but a hatred of the church.
When questioned about mothering, my mother’s statements (beliefs) are that her obligations were met because my brother and I were fed, dry and had a warm bed. Her attitude seems to be mothering is like maintaining equipment. Keep it oiled, fueled and dry and you have done your job.
All this makes my brother, father and I think that she might have been abused as a child. Her family stories make me think it occurred inside the family. Then there is the church attitude. Perhaps it happened in the church?? Maybe in both places?
I am interested in your opinion. Is it possible that a person who cannot express love, even to her own children was not abused? I am left with two conclusions. Either my mother was abused and therefore all her actions and inaction’s are explained. Or, my mother really doesn’t love her own children. Sounds horrible, but of those two choices I prefer believing she was abused.