Abused husband and kids by wife. Dr. Luv answers surfers.
Dr. Luv The Relationship Coach
Letter Abused Husband and Kids
Dear Dr. Luv,
This is more to vent my feelings rather than to find a solution. Maybe there are other men out there who have a similar problem.
I am a 45 years old, a professional man, making a fairly decent living from my successful professional practice.
Every single day for the last ten years I have been the victim of my wife’s mental abuse.
She calls me at work to run me down; she tells me how useless I am–pointing to other men who are more successful than me.
Every problem she has in her life has (according to her) its cause due to me.
She runs down my parents (behind their backs) all the time.
She treats the children the same way. We have two teenage girls and a boy who is ten years old. They all have emotional problems in one way or another due to the very volatile relationship of their parents as well as the relationship with their mother. I come home to be with my children whenever possible to protect them when she is having a bad day.
I would leave her, but I think she would probably get to live with the kids at least half the time (without me around to help them at all). Also I feel I can provide better for them if we have one household to look after.
Examples of abusive treatment:
She promises to take my daughter to buy some new clothes for a sweet-sixteen party that night after she tidies her room and does her homework.
After my daughter has done her chores, my wife says that she has changed her mind because Dad (me) does not make enough money and, besides, my daughter does not deserve new clothes.
My other daughter is concerned about the way she looks as many teenagers are. If my wife wishes to put her down she will say something to her like Oh, I see your hair is falling out" or " You have the worst skin I have ever seen; you will never get a boyfriend."
My daughter is sometimes so upset by these comments she throws up in panic and gets depressed.
I do all the damage control I can.
She swears at me in front of the children all the time. She can go entirely nuts if somebody leaves a wet towel on the bathroom floor. She has hit me once or twice but does not physically abuse the children.
My wife is also a professional and works very hard but not as many hours as me.
Although I do most of the housework and child rearing she is constantly screaming about how messy the house is and what a terrible life I have given her. When I ask why she does not leave, she says she would rather try to make me suffer.
I went for counseling to a psychologist. My wife agreed to go too one day. She denied everything I said. She made up the most terrible lies about me. All the counseling did was to try and help increase my self-esteem.
I have no way of proving to others that she is abusive. There are no laws against mentally abusing ones husband anyway.
Most people don’t even believe it exists. People think that abuse is physical, mainly performed by men on their wives and children.
Does anyone know any techniques I could use to change things?
FI – Canada
This column is for educational and entertainment purposes. The advice given is merely my thoughts. Professional advice should be sought before any decisions are made.
There are many men that are abused, but as you said, it doesn’t make the headlines.
You say your kids are all teens or near teens. They have a choice with whom they live, if it comes to that.
The reason the counselor tried to help you with your self-esteem is simply to get you to do something about this. Abuse always gets worse–seldom without help will it get any better.
Think about what you are teaching the children, "It’s OK to verbally abuse others." Sooner or later your kids are going to need counseling to deal with all this mess you and your wife are creating in their lives.
There is no easy answer for this, but you aren’t doing the kids any favors by putting them in this environment. Children learn what they live and will end up repeating the same behavior in their lives. Either they will be abusers or seek out someone to abuse them. This is a no-win situation for them.
Seek professional help for yourself and the kids even if your wife won’t go. And let you wife know if she doesn’t do something to change, you will do whatever it takes to protect the children–even if that means leaving her.
Abuse and denial go hand and hand. Your wife is blaming you because you have taught her you will accept it and do nothing. If you keep on doing what you’ve always done, you will keep on getting the same results.
The kids will be better off in a one-parent home where there is peace and love than with two parents who don’t respect and love each other. It is time to find a new way of dealing with your wife’s anger and resentment and time to protect the kids. Get off your #*@$ today and get the help you need before it’s too late for those kids.