Stepparents and professionals to answer questions about stepfamilies.

Stepparents

Stepparents' Questions and Answers

Stepparents and professionals to answer questions about stepfamilies.

As the blended family becomes more prevalent, we find stepparents giving each other advice. This is a page for stepparents and professionals to answer questions.

Question:

I am the single parent of a seven year old girl. She is really a wonderful loving child however she is HIGHLY territorial when  it comes  to me. Our relationship is very strong  and  deep--perhaps too deep.
Her  mom is still in the picture. However, my  daughter's  visits with  her are inconsistent and usually not for very long  periods of  time. Unfortunately they rarely have one-on-one time.  My  ex seems to feel that she must have other things available to occupy Whitney (my daughter) such as other kids of friends and the like.
We have been divorced for about a year. I am in the marital  home and Whitney originally stayed with her mom for about 2 and a half months  before she ( my ex) felt it was best to live with  me.  I know  Whitney  felt  some level of rejection by her  mom.  But  I believe  she has recovered to some extent. So the last  year,  as you can probably guess, has been one of trials, tribulations, and transition.  Geez, I feel tired but I wouldn't have it any  other Whitney does feel safe, secure and her grades in school are good.
Her  relationships with friends and classmates seem to be  normal and healthy. The biggest hurdle to cross is her acceptance with a romantic  relationship in my life. I have been involved  in  this relationship for over 6 months and I presented this  relationship to  Whitney  as initially one of close friendship.  Whitney  knew Tanya  prior to the divorce and had a very loving bond with  her. As  the relationship grew between Tanya and I after  the  divorce Whitney  was still OK but occasionally felt threatened by  Tanya.
She  felt as though Tanya was taking away Daddy. Last  weekend  I was  very honest with Whitney when she asked if Tanya and I  were boyfriend and girlfriend. I said yes but also explained how  this did not change the way I loved Whitney and how I would always  be her Dad and how my ex would always be Whitney's mom...I tried  to comfort her. Man---after a few tears you would have thought a war had begun. Whitney  made  it clear to Tanya that "I was her  Daddy  and  her Man."  This I know is not a healthy outlook for  my  relationship with  Tanya  or with Whitney. Let me also note that Tanya  has  a seven  year old son who loves the fact that his mom loves me.  He recognizes that he will always be able to see his biological  dad and  that  my relationship with his mom is a real  bonus  in  his life.
Please  give me any opinion you may have to strengthen  Whitney's security  and understanding that she can be happy with a  blended family  situation. Also, please include any titles of books  that may be applicable to my situation. Maybe you can share some other websites that could also be helpful.Thank you for time and consideration...

EL

Answer:

Try having Whitney spend some one on one time with Tanya for girl stuff, to help them to bond to a deeper level. Tanya needs to be the one to re-assure Whitney she does not want to take her daddy away from her. This is a normal stage for Whitney as all little girls at one stage in their life falls in love with their daddy even feeling threatened by their own biological mothers (sometimes resenting the mother). You need to get Whitney focused on more outside activities and encourage her to develop interests aside from and away from you. This will give her other healthy relationships to teach her it is OK to care about others as not everyone will leave her, and it will show her that daddy will not leave her while she is away from him. Most of all, you need to stop coddling Tanya and stop focusing on the things that can't be changed (her mother leaving). Tanya needs to get beyond what happened with her mother but as long as you make allowances for adverse behavior excusing it because of what happened then she will become to believe it is worse then it is and intensify it within herself. Tanya's overly possessive obsession with you must be handled now unless you want to remain single for the rest of your life with no chance of an intimate relationship and a daughter going from one relationship to another.
A Surfer

Question:

My husband puts me "on the shelf" when his adult children (16, 20 & 23) come to visit. It is very apparent that our relationship is not first in his list of priorities when they are in our home. Is this unusual? Any suggestions? I'm at my wits end...Thanks

DU

Answer:

I don't think it is unusual. I am a stepmom and a mom. When my adult children come, I put my husband on the shelf, so to speak, and devote my time to my children.  When his adult children come, I busy myself elsewhere so I won't interfere in their relationships. We have plenty of time together when the children are not around.

If you have no children, maybe it is hard to understand but children will always hold a place in a parent's heart that no spouse can ever take. And... spouses hold a different place in hearts that children can never take. However, you (spouse) are there everyday and the children are there occasionally.

When his children are coming, get busy with your own interests and friends. If you don't interest and/or friends, the time when his children are present is a good time to start developing a life outside your marriage.

That sounds good but I will say this, my first husband wanted my undivided attention unless HE had something else to do. Then he wanted my gone. If you have that kind of relationship, you need to talk now because that is the sign of  problems.

Good luck
RK

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Note: The opinions expressed herein are exclusively those of the writers and do not necessarily reflect the position of CyberParent. They are not intended to take the place of advice of a health professional whose advice you might need to seek.

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