Readers write CyberParent about being a stepparent. Letters from CyberParent readers discuss their issues with stepparenting.

I HAVE BEEN A STEP MOM FOR ALMOST 4 YEARS NOW. MY STEP DAUGHTER HAS RECENTLY
COME BACK INTO OUR LIVES (SHE'S 10). I TRY VERY HARD TO BE A GOOD STEPMOM,
BUT THERE IS A LOT OF RESENTMENT ON MY PART.

AFTER WE WERE MARRIED I LEARNED THAT MY HUSBAND DID NOT WANT ANY MORE CHILDREN.

MY HEART IS BROKEN, BUT BECAUSE OF WHAT MY HUSBAND WENT THROUGH WITH HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND
HE HAS A HARD TIME TRUSTING THAT IF WE DIVORCE I WOULD NOT ACT THE SAME WAY SHE DID. IT WAS
TRUST ME A VERY VERY BAD SITUATION FOR SOME TIME. ANY HOW, I CAN'T STAND
WATCHING MY HUSBAND AND HIS DAUGHTER TOGETHER, KNOWING I WILL NEVER HAVE MY
CHILDREN HAVING THAT TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP, I WILL NEVER BE A "REAL MOM".

I KNOW MOST WILL SAY THE PROBLEM IS WITH MY HUSBAND, BUT WE REALLY LOVE EACH
OTHER AND I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE HIM BUT I NEED TO VENT THE ANGER I FEEL
TOWARDS HIS DAUGHTER , HIS EX, AND EVEN HIM. HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND AT ALL. I
ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THE THIRD WHEEL EVEN THOUGH HE WANTS US TO BE A HAPPY FAMILY.
I CAN'T PUT ALL OF THAT RESENTMENT ASIDE, SO USUALLY I JUST DO MY OWN THING SO
I DON'T HAVE TO SEE IT.

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING

Hello,
I am having a terrible time trying to figure out why life can be unhappy when
you marry someone with illegitimate children. My husband and I have been
married for 3 years. One child (is legitimate now thru court) is 15 which he
claims publicly and supports. The other was born to a woman who was married
to another person at the time and she is 5 years old. He had no say so on
whether she would have the child or not. Basically, this was the mother's
decision and her second marriage ended because of it. The problem is that the
mother of this child has gone out of her way to make our marriage a living
hell. Once they agree on a child support amount, everything changes when we
have a special event in our lives. This incident was a one night stand, they
do not talk, he does not see the child. She did not want support at first.
She only started asking for it through the courts after we got married. They
had agreed upon an amount and everything was fine until we had a child last
year. Now we have to go to court again. I also have 2 children from a
previous marriage and my new husband has recently adopted them. I do not have
contact with my former spouse and it has worked out wonderfully. I can see
both ends of the spectrum here. But is there anything I can do? I've been
harassed with unwanted telephone calls and pictures of the child that he
didn't want either. All of us are police officers but I have not received any
support from her job because they have recently condoned the behavior because
it is his child. He refuses to legitimize the daughter but he is supporting
the child. Does this mean that we have to get harassed about an unwanted
pregnancy that happened 6 years ago until the child support ends or is there
anything we can do besides obtaining a restraining order against the mother?
Please help me!!! I would love to live in peace and harmony for a change.

Sincerely,
S P

Does a step parent have any rights when it comes to a step child. I am the
"wicked" step mother and "mother" doesn't like me. The children adore me and
I would do anything for them. I made some phone calls on my step daughter's
behalf, instead of her father doing this, and have been admonished by her
mother. I am now no longer allowed to phone their home, step foot on her
property, or do anything on the children's behalf. Can she have this power
over me? This is an ugly situation and I feel that it can do nothing but hurt
the kids. I have tried for four years to have a conversation with this woman,
but she refuses and wants no part of me. what should I do. I have a real
hard time standing by and watching the kids get hurt (emotionally). I know
she loves her kids.

S

Answer

I think you do have some rights when acting on the request of your husband, particularly if
the father is absent and the children are with you.
And I think you are right. She is hurting her children more than you.
Just keep loving the kids. No one can ever have too many people loving them.
Will your husband intercede?
JK

CAN YOU GIVE ME ANY INFO ON HOW TO BE A GOOD STEPMOTHER?
I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 2 YEARS.

THANK YOU

I have a very blended family, it consists of a yours, mine and ours. My
question is how do we get the family to blend when we are all together?

Another question, how do I get my husband to get over the guilt he feels for
not being in his son's life more and to get him to quit taking it out on his
"new" family?

More letters

Return to Stepparents Directory.

Contact
Copyright © 1997-2006 CyberParent. All rights reserved.
Certain images: Copyright © 1994-1996. T-Maker Company. All rights reserved.
Many photographs, letters, questions, answers, and items of advice in the StepParent Web were submitted by our surfers. We thank you for participating.

Note: The opinions expressed herein are exclusively those of the writers and do not necessarily reflect the position of CyberParent. They are not intended to take the place of advice of a health professional whose advice you might need to seek.