Letters6

Stepparenting Questions, answers and letters from CyberParent surfers.

Stepparents letters. Questions and venting aboutbeing a stepparent. Letters from CyberParent readers.

StepParents’ Letters

Step Parenting

Nineteen-year-old son causing problems

My husband and I are having real problems blending two families.We are searching for help, and do not know where to turn.

The problem is with his 19-year-old son who attends a localcollege and still lives at home.

He has got some kind of resentment to me and we do not know whereit comes from. It has gotten to a very serious level. I had to call the police on him thisother day because he shoved me up against the wall and pinned me there.

He has threatened me on several occasions and tells me I am goingto do what he says or else. He has told me to get out of the house and never come back.

A 16-year-old son and my 15-year-old son are also in the house.

The boys all have started fighting. I am afraid to be in the housewhen my husband is not
at home so I stay with a friend when he is at work and I am not.

Are there any groups or any suggestions you can give us?

He refuses to go to counseling. We are in counseling with theother 2 children.   Any help is greatly appreciated.
Dina

Answer

Try the book Coping in a Blended Family by Jane Hurwitz. Shewrites, "Just a with divorce or death in a family, the formation of a new family cancreate a period of transition that is unsettling. Belonging to two families can leaveyoung people feeling uncertain and anxious. When young people move into new households,they often balk at new rules and feel divided loyalties between the present and absentparents."

Although your situation sounds more severe than normal, andyou may have to ask him to move out. If you could help him get an apartment for a month ortwo, great. If not, you have rights as a stepmother. With your husband, express thoserights. If that fails, ask him to live on his own until he can respect your rights.
JW


Fears Ex-Wife’s New Marriage Is Wrong for Daughters.

My soon to be ex-wife is already talking of re-marriage to a man that sheadmittedly doesn’t love because she thinks it would be in the best interest of ourdaughters ages 11, 10, & 8.

The "new" man is coming off a bad marriage himself. He has beendivorced for 8 months and has custody of two children ages 12 & 9. My wife thinks hewould be a good role model and could certainly contribute to the families financials.

I think she will be making a big, big mistake and my primary concern is for mygirls. I know I can’t legally stop her from remarrying and I am trying to find statisticson single parenting vs. step parenting.

What will this do to my girls if this second marriage doesn’t work after 6months or a year or two?

I know virtually nothing about this man and fear that he could be reallydetrimental to my daughters.

Any advice on what I can do to protect them? Or convince her that this is not agood move?

Any and all advice or referral would be greatly appreciated.
CC


How Can I Help Step-Daughter?

I’m beginning to embark on the "stepchildren" realm and until recently, thingswere going extremely well.  The scenario is this (in a nutshell)…the children areages 4 and 2 with a biological mother who is not only manic depressive, but also suffersfrom multiple personality disorder.  She had custody of the children while myfiancée’ was stationed in another state with the military.  Needless to say, she hadan "episode" and basically neglected the children and "dumped" themoff when she just couldn’t handle them any longer.  They are now living with myfiancée’s mother (their "Grammie") until he receives his transfer to relocateback to the state in which they presently reside.  Now for my problem at hand…   The oldest child (a girl, age 4) is very close to her mother which Iunderstand completely.

Unfortunately, her mother suffers from mental complications which prevent herfrom making logical choices in statements that she makes to her daughter.  Add tothat the fact that the ex-wife feels "threatened" by my existence and you haveone huge problem in the works!  My question is, "How can I make a positiveimpact on this child’s life when her mother is filling her head with complete nonsenseregarding me?"

If someone could please give me a clue as to how to handle this, I would bemost appreciative! Thanks!
N

Answer

Start by finding out something about bipolar disorder. I know your librarywill have books on it. In fact, you can probably find out a lot about it on the internet.

When people have this disorder, they do not respond to things like you do.Since they are incapable of meeting you on your turf, you might have to gain knowledgeabout their turf and meet them there.

Regardless, stepmothering takes time. You probably can not make a positiveimpact right away. But it sounds like they need someone so hang in there.

Before you marry read the book Stepmothering by Pearl Prilik. It helped me.Maybe it will help you.
JW


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Returnto Stepparents Directory.

Book Review:  The Blended Family Sourcebook Book Review:  Blending Families
Book Review:  The Courage to Be a Stepmom Book Review:  Divorce and New Beginnings
Book Review:  Stepcoupling Book Review:  Step Wars
Book Review: Step Wise Book Review: Surviving Your Adolescents.
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