Reallife

Stepparents in real life!

In real life, a second marriage with children is aboutreciprocity and stepkids.. Marriages are not all wedded bliss and fantasy. Add a few children suchas his, hers, and ours, and you have more reciprocity and compromise than bliss andfantasy.

Stepparents

Second Marriage with Children:
Bliss and Fantasy 
or
Reciprocity, Compromise, and Children?

Joy Stevens

Neither husband nor wife ever gets 100% of what he/she wants in any marriage.

 People who think that any marriage is composed of  bliss and excitement are headed for disappointment. Those marriages and relationships only exist in romance novels, movies or television, wild promises on the internet, and personal ads.

In real life, marriage is about reciprocity and power. In a second marriage with children, it is also about being united as a couple, but we will leave that subject to another time.

In any relationship, one person gets what he/she wants by giving the other person what she/he wants.

The husband gets what he wants in a second marriage by giving his wife what she wants.

The wife gets what she wants in a second marriage by giving her husband what he wants.

Neither husband nor wife ever gets 100% of what he/she wants in any marriage.

Marriage partners provide mutual support and help each other with mundane problems. They compliment each other and both contribute to the marriage, often by compromise.

The couple may dance by candlelight but it is after the dishes are washed, the lawn is mowed, and the children have gone to bed or to visit their other parent.

Real marriages take place in the everyday world. And second marriages with children are ever-so real.

Every marriage is a package deal: kind of like the "Blue Plate Special."  When you marry, you acquire a package: some good, some bad, some wonderful, some horrible. As long as the good outweighs the bad, there is little-to-no horrible, and reciprocity and compromise rule the marriage, that is a good-enough marriage for most people.

When you want a fantasy, you dream up a prince or princess, all wonderful. No person or relationship can live up to that dream.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, the truth is, marriages are not made in heaven; marriages are made by two committed people right here on earth.

Add a few children such as his, hers, and ours, and you have more reciprocity and compromise than bliss and fantasy.

Strolls on the beaches are part of the bliss you can expect when the kids have gone to visit their "other" parent. When they return, you can expect more reciprocity and compromise than bliss and fantasy. That’s reality!

Additional information about stepparenting, stepfamilies.

 

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Returnto Stepparents Directory.

Book Review:  The Blended Family Sourcebook Book Review:  Blending Families
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