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Tread softly and carry no stick is the order of the day here.
Stepfathers who were successful made no real attempt to control the child's
behavior or become the disciplinarian in the family.
The successful stepfather, in most instances, first worked at cementing a
positive relationship with the children's mother while supporting her in her parenting.
Of course, the children themselves, their ages, their personalities, their
strengths and weaknesses also contribute to the outcome of the stepfamily. As does the
mother herself.
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Readers Comment
I definitely agree with this article. I do believe, however,
that the article doesn't touch on some other important things. Certainly it is his
responsibility to be "warm and responsive, while communicating well and generating
firm, consistent discipline" among other things, however, the mother has many
responsibilities of her own. Mainly, in my opinion, to maintain the integrity of her
own disciplinary efforts and house rules etc. and to continue to make it clear to her
child/ren that they come first despite the new relationship. I've know many mothers
who try to create a new, happy "instant family" and if you ask me, that's close
to impossible and almost always ends in unhappiness or unecessary stress. As well, a
mother who isn't too eager to enter a new relationship for whatever reason, and instead
puts her children's needs and feelings first, provides a strong message and becomes a good
role model for both boys and girls in their future relationships.
I also believe strongly that it is important for the new boyfriend/stepfather to respect
the biological father (if he is a positive factor), his role, and his likely apprehension
at having a new "man" in his kid's lives. In my experience this
apprehension will turn to mutual respect and caring for the child/ren if done slowly and
responsibly.
The relationship should definitely start with the man and woman themselves, forming a
strong bond (outside of family time). I think it's important that the new man be
introduced very slowly to allow all parties to adjust, way before marriage is even a
thought, to ensure the new relationship is likely to last, and to ensure the
stepfather can handle the responsibilities! Once a mature and loving relationship is
formed between adult and child (I believe this should also happen way before marriage),
then joint discipline can be introduced without major upheaval in the child's life and
those around them. I think most would agree that the only thing worse than having to
end a marriage when children are involved - is ending a second or third relationship, once
children have again and again become attached.
I am a young mother of a seven year old son, soon to marry a person I've been with for
over 4 years! This is how long it has taken for me to be sure that I would be making
the right decision by letting this man in our lives. We maintain a fairly friendly
relationship with the biological father and his new family as well, and I believe the key
to our success has been the gradual introduction as the article states. My son has
benefitted greatly I believe by introducing a whole new network of family and loved ones,
while still providing him with a stable home life and a mother who is deeply in love and
happy!
Brandy T. |
