Many instances of abuse are accompanied by or followed by an assertion of love. Abusers are controllers, not lovers. Abuse is a message of control and dominance, never a message of love.
Make no mistake: abuse is about control, not love
It is that old “I love you but…” routine and “This is only for your own good’ that make the abused person feel confused or even crazy. Emotional abuse is frequently used to break down the victim’s will and bring her or him under control. It may be difficult to understand the abuser’s actions are a disguise for abuse. In fact, you may not be able to find a word for it. Abuse in a relationship is about a pattern of behavior that one person uses against another to intimidate them and to get them to do what they want. It is about dominance.
Has this happened to you?
“Darling, I-love-you-but…” If and when it does, remember that it is a control issue, not a love issue. Another ploy of the verbal abuser is the “No one will ever love you but me” or “No one could possibly ever love you as much as I do.” This is actually a put-down to gain power. You might be confused about whether what’s happening to you, but remember that what is happening to you is abuse. The abuser will probably try to convince you that his/her jealous or possessive actions are because they love you. But, one more time, this kind of behavior isn’t about love; it’s all about control and dominance.