Letters

Surfers write about abuse.

Abuse: Surfers write: Questions, letters,venting and pleas for help from CyberParent readers.

Letters from Surfers.

Hello,I am a 57 year old woman who is in a second marriage of 7 years duration. We have beentogether 10 years. As with so many others, he was wonderful to me in the beginning, and ofcourse, through the dating period.I should have seen the signs of verbal abuse early on, for I witnessed his temper towardsothers. It was not directed at me then, and stupidly, because I wanted to marry again, Ichose to ignore it.Life has been pretty intolerable these past 2 years, and that is a conservative estimate.He calls me every dirty word in the book, and spends little time with me in average,normal communication. He clicks TV, I purchased this computer and am here at it much ofthe time.I do not work. I used to work. During the time I thought our marriage was good I quit myjob because my husband said I had "paid my dues" in the workplace. Now, I haveno pension to look forward to. I am finding it very difficult to find employment and thusfeel I have no place to turn. I feel very much alone. I want this marriage to succeed, but it is only getting worse.This is a non communicative household. He refuses to seek help, even though I have offeredto go with him if he did.Sometimes I feel so very desperate. I wish I could make a decision to go off on my own,but fear appears to be my middle name. This is not fear of him if we separated, but my ownfear of what would happen to me if we did. Would I survive? Would I be able to keep myhome and pay the bills?I never in my life thought I would be writing a letter like this and am horrified that Ishould have to do so.If anybody has any thoughts on the subject, I would appreciate hearing them.Thank you.Sincerely,EC

To EC:

I am a 58 year old woman who had thecourage to leave when I was 56.

Yes, I was afraid with the samefears you had. However, I started learning computer courses and when I was pretty sure Icould get a job (the high tech business is not particular about age, especially if youwork contract), I left.

I may not have the most affluentretirement, but I certainly will have a happier one than if I had stayed with myverbally abusive husband.

Besides, verbal can turn physical andoften does. So, start learning some computer courses and escape! You may have to changeyour lifestyle. I did. But it is definitely worth it!

Good luck to you!

MR.

HI I AM A MOTHER OF 2 CHILDREN, 3 & 61/2. I WAS IN A NEXTREMELY VERBAL ANDMENTAL MARRIAGE FOR 8 YEARS. I HAD BEEN ISOLATED, CONFINED TO THE HOUSE ANDHUMILIATED DAY AFTER DAY IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN. HE HAD TOLD ME IF I LEFTHIM, HE WOULD TAKE OF WITH THE KIDS AND I’D NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN.

I AM CHRISTIAN AND IT"S BEEN SO HARD FOR ME TO JUSTIFYLEAVING HIM BUT I DID. ATTHE ADVICE OF MY ATTORNEY, I GOT A COURT ORDER FOR HIM TO LEAVE THE HOME SOTHE KIDS WOULD NOT HAVE TO BE MOVED. THE COURT ALSO GAVE HIM A RESTRAININGORDER WHICH AT THE TIME SEEMED A LITTLE HARSH (SINCE HE HAD NEVER PHYSICALLYHURT ME OTHER THAN PRETEND TO CHOKE ME AND REQUIRE ME TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM) IAM GLAD NOW THOUGH BECAUSE HE REFUSES TO LEAVE ME ALONE AFTER 9 MONTHSREGAINING MY SELF RESPECT AND THAT OF MY 6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS THE HARDESTTHOUGH BECAUSE ANY OF MY OPINIONS, OR ATTEMPTS TO OBTAIN AUTHORITY WEREALWAYS IMMEDIATELY SHOT DOWN AS A MOTHER. I HAVE NOW FILED FOR DIVORCE AND THEFATHER, A DEVOUT CATHOLIC IS ACCUSING ME OF NOT TRYING TO RECONCILE! I SAY TOHIM "I TIRED FOR 8 YEARS!!! IGNORED THE ADVICE OF THREE COUNSELORS BECAUSE OFMY BELIEFS AND FINALLY HAD ENOUGH!!!!

NOW FOR MY QUESTION. DOES THIS EVER END???

THE THOUGHT OF EVER LIVING WITH HIM AGAIN MAKES ME SICK BUTWHY DO ICONTINUE TO DOUBT MYSELF ON THIS CHOICE I’VE MADE? HE HAS MY DAUGHTER EMILYTHINKING THAT MOM HAS DONE A HORRIBLE THING BY LEAVING HIM AND GOD IS MAD ATME. HE ALSO QUESTIONS HER ABOUT ME AND WHAT I AM DOING? I FEEL THAT MYCHILDREN ARE BEGINNING TO RESPECT ME MORE NOW BE I AM FINALLY ABLE TO BE ANAUTHORITATIVE PARENT AND I KNOW THAT THEY ARE SECURE WITH ME BUT HOW TO I STOPHIM FROM DOING THIS MIND CONTROL TO THEM??? I HAVE A JOB NOW AND I REALLY LOVEIT. I AM MAKING NEW FRIENDS IN THIS CITY THAT WE’VE LIVED IN FOR A YEAR IN AHALF (WE MOVED FROM CA TO WA) AGO. BUT I STILL CANNOT SEEM TO GET FREE FROMHIS CONTROL! HE STILL MAKES ME FEEL AWFUL AND RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THIS!

DOESIT EVER END! MY DIVORCE IS FINAL IN APRIL BUT HE CLAIMS IN GODS EYES I WILLBE HIS WIFE FOREVER UNLESS I HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN. THIS, HE SAY S WILLSET HIM FREE SO THAT HE CAN GET ON WITH HIS LIFE! HE CLAIMS HE HAS CHANGED ANDTHAT HE HAS TALKED TO CLERGY, READ BOOKS, BUT NEVER GONE TO COUNSELING BECAUSEHE FIGURED IT ALL OUT. HE STILL DENIES THIS AS ABUSE AND THAT WE WERE ONLYFIGHTING. SORRY TO MAKE THIS SO LONG, BUT I JUST NEEDED TO VENT! II HAVE AGOOD MALE FRIEND WITH WHOM WE GO OUT TO DINNER AND A MOVIE ONCE EVERY 2 WEEKSWHEN THE KIDS SPEND THE NIGHT AT THEIR DADS…HE TREATS ME WITH RESPECT ANDENCOURAGES ME AND WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN. BUT…IN THE BACK OF MY MIND ARE ALANSWORDS, HAUNTING ME ALL THE TIME! I WISH THERE WAS SOMEONE ELSE WHO HAS BEENTHROUGH THIS OR UNDERSTANDS….IF YOU KNOW OF ANYONE, I WOULD LOVE TO TALK TOTHEM.

RLG SPOKANE, WA

Answer

Yes, it does end. My ex-husband also tried to get meto come back while insisting his "problems," were cured. He said his problemswere cured one day, then said he never had any the next day.

Every year that you are away, you will feel betterabout yourself and your decision. Just try to keep him from "pushing your buttons’and try to limit contact with him as much as possible.

Your children saw what you went through and know inthe back of their mind that you are right. I had one child who was mad at me when I left,but she has come back and now says it is the best thing that ever happened. Goodluck to you.

BH

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