Letters4

Emails about abuse from Cyberparent readers.

Abuse:Questions, letters, venting and pleasfor help from CyberParent readers.

Letters from Surfers.

Just got back from court with our divorced son, He was verballyabused byhis ex for years, but the main abuse now is the children/ she has turned thekids against him. They use her verbal words to abuse him. She has transferredher abusive nature to them. The court will do nothing except send the kids andour son to counseling.He has been to 7 counselors in three years, Theevacuator has admitted the she is the problem and very paranoid. Nothing isdone . The kids are now lost to the system and heaven help the future mates.The Judges either can’t make a decision or won’t rock the boat. They call ita negative bond to the mother. Have any ideas? I’m exhausted. and our son isa beaten man. No justice.

I lived in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship fornine years.I was an intelligent and emotionally stable person. The key word, however,is WAS.My relationship has turned my life completely upside down. Because of theemotional abuse I have lived with, I have become severely codependent andhave been diagnosed as clinically depressed. How could this happen to me? More importantly, how could this happen toyou?It starts as a personal project. You find yourself saying things like "Ican change this behavior."You put all your effort into changing your life around to meet his needs. You don’t make plans without wondering if he will let you. You can’t make adecision without saying "I’ll have to ask him if its okay." You stay athome and wait for him to call and check up on you, because if he is truly acontroller, he will call two or three times a day. The same goes if you areat work. He will call several times to make sure you are still there. THISIS THE BEGINNING!!!!!! If you aren’t worried yet, read on. You will berunning for your life by the time I am through.After a year or so of this (yes, I know I am crazy for staying), you startto wonder if maybe you are spending too much time worried about his reactionto your life. You start to wonder if it is worth the effort you areexpending. Then you really blow it. You actually try to tell him yourconcerns about the relationship. This one conversation leads you right intothe next level of abuse. You hear things like; "you’re overreacting," "you’re too sensitive," "you don’t really mean that," and "I knowI’m hardto live with, but you’re no peach either. I’m the only one who loves youenough to put up with you." Now you are angry, but still too confused to doanything about it.Now we can begin the mental breakdown of a formerly stable person. He isallowed to do anything he wants. You are required to ask if you can go tothe grocery store. He starts saying things like; "are you retarded?," "areyou stupid?," and "what ever made you think that I would agree to that!." The entire time he is mixing that up with; "I love you so much," I’d be lostwithout you," and "just give me a little time, I can change." While allthis is going on, you are past the point of no return of being codependent,and fast becoming depressed.Why did I stay??? Children, financial security, waiting for one of the gooddays. The main reason I stayed had nothing and everything to do with theabove reasons. I was scared! The abusive comments had turned into threatsof physical violence to me and my children. Calling the police would haveput him into a vicious rage. And last but not least, there were still thegood days. The bad days outnumbered the good days by far. It WILL wear youdown. I began to sleep more. I became a housekeeping wreck. I barely madeit outside of the house, because I did not have the energy to actually takea shower and get dressed. My children were getting all their physiologicalneeds met, but were not getting the emotional stability they needed to feelsecure. This is what finally convinced me that I needed to get out. Hecould wear me down, but my children would not suffer any more. It is aheartbreaking experience to watch your own children withdraw from theirdaddy. They want to love him more than anything, but his abusive naturescares the hell out of them. Yes, his emotional abuse became physical toward me. Thank God, it did nothappen to the children. I believe that I would have been just as abusive ashim, had I let them continue to live the way I was living. GET OUT!!!! It’s the most frightening thing I have ever done. I’m still scared. But Iam becoming healthy again. J

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