Lettersa

Letters about physical and verbal abuse.

Abuse: Questions, letters, venting and pleasfor help from CyberParent readers.

Letters from Surfers

I am a new step-mom ( 6 months) of three wonderful children. My husband left overfive years ago due to the physical, emotional and verbal abuse from his ex. He feltthat she would not carry this over to the children – but I feel that she has and amconcerned about their well-being.What can we do?LA

Hi everyone out there, I have just separated from my abusivehusband andcan truly say that this marriage has been hell. I didn’t realize that hewas abusive at first because I had stars in my eyes and then I had amiscarriage and just wanted some compassion. It all blew up in my face andI began to realize what had been happening before. I felt controlled. IfI wanted to do something in the home or outside and he(the one who knowseverything) didn’t agree, then it was a sudden rage. My mother and hisfamily are supportive of him and I’ve contacted outside support and havefriends. He’s super sweet to all his friends. Even talks and listens tothem. I went through a pregnancy, then colic for 5 1/2 months and now I’vehad enough of being told what to do, criticized, lied to and deceived. Iget the I really care about you, your shouldn’t do … because you’reemotional/moody/not over the miscarriage/ have post natal depression. Youshould do … Over the PND bit, he even contacted professionals and I wastold was a good communicator and very convincing. I feel so angry that he has behaved this way and that I was fooled. WhileI still had stars in my eyes and while I was pregnant he was so abusive. What I have found is that if I am able to point out a few times how badlyhe has behaved, he doesn’t do it again but his basic ‘I’m lord and master’attitude doesn’t change and it is so hard to talk to him about anything hehas done because he verbally abuses me everytime I try. Maybe theseparation will help him but I don’t know if I want him back. There seemsto be too much that has gone on in such a short space of time and could Iever trust him not to behave like that again. At the moment I’m trying to rebuild myself and really enjoying being ableto go somewhere without being checked up on. I feel really free, even witha young baby.My husband’s favorite line is to call someone up and say he really caresabout me and he’s concerned because ….. After that all thesecriticisms come flowing out. It’s great to be able to identify and put aname to what is happening and his tactics. Your information has helped andI can identify with bits in other letters.I think my husband has copied his mother in behavior. She rules the roostand the put downs that come out of her mouth to her husband are reallydisgusting. It made me feel sick listening to them and before we separatedI had to listen to them daily.I’d love to be able to communicate with someone re verbal abuse. Hasanyone heard of someone that actually "turned around" and became a niceperson to the one he/she is supposed to love?Regards everybody, Australia

Answer

When someone keeps the same attitude, no. In fact,people can’t change without a real desire to change that springs from them, not someoneelse. Then they usually need some help. What will happen is that you will lose more andmore self-esteem and then finally be unlikely to leave. Verbal abuse is like a constantstream of water eating away at YOU! I know; I was there for years. I left once; he talkedme into coming back; was better for a while; went back to his old ways and seemed evenworse then. Finally I left again.

Stay away from him as you are now. You will find yourresolve getting stronger and your self-esteem getting higher as you remain on your own.And good luck.DE

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