Recognizing the Signs of Child Grooming

Child abuse rarely involves a stranger in a dark alleyway nabbing children.

The frightening reality is that the majority of children who are abused suffer at the hands of someone they know – and that someone knows exactly how to manipulate the child to avoid getting caught.

The abuse is methodically planned out and rarely ever just happens. It’s a lengthy process that can take weeks, months, and even years – this is known as grooming.

However, you can help prevent child abuse, whether it is your own child or someone you know, by recognizing the signs of grooming.

Here are the 6 stages of grooming to watch out for:

Stage 1: Targeting the Victim

A perpetrator’s first step is finding their victim. They will often target children whom they see as vulnerable, emotionally needy, and isolated with low self-esteem.

They will use social media platforms (Facebook, Snapchat, etc.) to direct message children and initiate their abuse process privately.

Stage 2: Creating a Bond

Once they have chosen their victim, the abuser will gain their trust and gather information. They pay particular attention to the child’s needs and offer ways in which they can fill them.

But not all abuse happens online. Perpetrators will also gain the trust of the child’s parents and other adults around them by helping and becoming “part of the family.”

This way, if the child does talk about the abuse, it’s less likely that the adults in their life will believe them because the abuser is such as “good person.”

Stage 3: Filling That Need

Once the perpetrator has gathered information about the child, they will then offer the child what they are “missing” in their life, such as attention and affection through flattery, compliments, and support.

They may also offer gifts, including drugs and alcohol.

Once the child feels their needs are being met, they become dependent on the abuser.

At this stage, children will often break rules, and once these rules are broken, the abuser has a secret they can use against the child as a threat.

Stage 4: Isolating the Child

In this stage of grooming, the offender creates situations in which they are alone with the child using their “special” relationship – granting them access to the child while isolating them from their parents.

The parents may not even realize what is happening, believing this amazing family friend simply wants to spend time with and treat the child.

Stage 5: Abuse

Sexual abuse typically does not happen until this stage, but now that dependency has been established, sexualized behaviors begin.

Abusers begin by normalizing this behavior in small ways, such as “accidentally” walking in while the child is changing, tickling, wrestling, and cuddling under a blanket.

The abuser is checking to see how the child reacts before they push further. They are also manipulating the child’s sexual preferences and manipulating them into feeling excited about the touching.

The child will eventually begin to define the relationship as special and accept that sexual touching is a normal part of the experience.

Stage 6: Control

The last stage of grooming involves the abuser controlling the child through blame, threats, secrecy, and sometimes violence. They will also use the child’s affections to maintain their continued participation and silence.

How to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse

Now that you understand the stages of grooming, there are ways that you can avoid this situation, even during the grooming process.

Talk to Your Child About Their Body

Abusers are not likely to target children they believe will tell an adult about the situation. This is why it’s essential that you speak to your child about consent from a very young age.

Begin by teaching your child the appropriate names for body parts and the difference between good touch and bad touch.

Allow your child to make decisions about their body by encouraging them to say “no” when they don’t want to be touched by others (even in nonsexual ways, such as hugging or tickling).

Also, give them age-appropriate privacy. For instance, if your child is old enough to take a bath by themselves and they don’t want you in the bathroom, respect that boundary.

Talk to Your Child About Trust and Secrets

Ensure your child knows they can talk to you about anything without getting into trouble. You want to create an open environment of trust where your child feels comfortable approaching you about things that make them feel confused or uncomfortable.

You should also teach your child about the difference between good secrets (like a surprise birthday party) and bad secrets (those that make your child feel uncomfortable and unsafe).

Monitor Technology Use and Educate Your Child

Kids at very young ages are on the internet and cell phones, so monitoring these activities is important. Keep an eye on your child’s contact list for people you don’t recognize.

Educate your child about how to use the internet safely. Teach them about the dangers of sharing personal information and trusting strangers that contact them online.

How Can I Tell If a Child is Being Groomed?

Perhaps you’re not involved enough in the child’s life to see the interactions they have with other adults, but there are ways to tell if a child is being groomed and sexually abused:

  • The child may seem withdrawn from their normal life and activities.
  • They may exhibit new behavioral problems at school.
  • The child has unexplained new gifts like toys and clothes (but they don’t want to talk about where they came from).
  • They talk a lot about a particular adult or older child.
  • They won’t talk about what they do with that adult or older child (or they lie about it).
  • They are getting a lot of messages from someone they only know online.
  • They have a much older boyfriend or girlfriend.
  • They won’t talk about their thoughts and feelings.

The actual relationship between the child and the adult may look like a normal adult-child relationship, so it’s important to understand how grooming affects the child so you can recognize the signs.

What Do I Do If I Suspect a Child is Being Groomed?

If you suspect that a child is being groomed, you can report your suspicions to your local child protection service or the police – whether it’s happening in person, online, or both.

If it is your own child, immediately limit your child’s interactions with the person you suspect is grooming them – and absolutely don’t let them be alone with your child!

Ask your child about their relationship by having a safe conversation with no judgment.

And, of course, contact the proper authorities.

Protecting Our Children

It’s unfortunate and sick that there are individuals out there who will dedicate so much time and energy to a child simply to abuse them.

However, as adults, we can take steps to ensure this doesn’t happen and ensure that children suffering from this abuse get the help they need.

Please share this article to help others understand the stages of grooming and recognize the signs so they too can help prevent child sexual abuse.

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