Letters3

Readers write letters to CyberParent about stepparenting.

Readers write CyberParent about being a stepparent.Letters from CyberParent readers discuss their issues with stepparenting.

StepParents’ Letters

Step Parenting

I HAVE BEEN A STEP MOM FOR ALMOST 4 YEARS NOW. MY STEP DAUGHTER HASRECENTLYCOME BACK INTO OUR LIVES (SHE’S 10). I TRY VERY HARD TO BE A GOOD STEPMOM,BUT THERE IS A LOT OF RESENTMENT ON MY PART.

AFTER WE WERE MARRIED I LEARNED THAT MY HUSBAND DID NOT WANT ANY MORECHILDREN.

MY HEART IS BROKEN, BUT BECAUSE OF WHAT MY HUSBAND WENT THROUGH WITH HISEX-GIRLFRIEND HE HAS A HARD TIME TRUSTING THAT IF WE DIVORCE I WOULD NOT ACT THE SAME WAY SHEDID. IT WASTRUST ME A VERY VERY BAD SITUATION FOR SOME TIME. ANY HOW, I CAN’T STANDWATCHING MY HUSBAND AND HIS DAUGHTER TOGETHER, KNOWING I WILL NEVER HAVE MYCHILDREN HAVING THAT TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP, I WILL NEVER BE A "REAL MOM".

I KNOW MOST WILL SAY THE PROBLEM IS WITH MY HUSBAND, BUT WE REALLY LOVEEACHOTHER AND I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE HIM BUT I NEED TO VENT THE ANGER I FEELTOWARDS HIS DAUGHTER , HIS EX, AND EVEN HIM. HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND AT ALL. IALWAYS FEEL LIKE THE THIRD WHEEL EVEN THOUGH HE WANTS US TO BE A HAPPY FAMILY.I CAN’T PUT ALL OF THAT RESENTMENT ASIDE, SO USUALLY I JUST DO MY OWN THING SOI DON’T HAVE TO SEE IT.

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING

Hello,I am having a terrible time trying to figure out why life can be unhappy whenyou marry someone with illegitimate children. My husband and I have beenmarried for 3 years. One child (is legitimate now thru court) is 15 which heclaims publicly and supports. The other was born to a woman who was marriedto another person at the time and she is 5 years old. He had no say so onwhether she would have the child or not. Basically, this was the mother’sdecision and her second marriage ended because of it. The problem is that themother of this child has gone out of her way to make our marriage a livinghell. Once they agree on a child support amount, everything changes when wehave a special event in our lives. This incident was a one night stand, theydo not talk, he does not see the child. She did not want support at first.She only started asking for it through the courts after we got married. Theyhad agreed upon an amount and everything was fine until we had a child lastyear. Now we have to go to court again. I also have 2 children from aprevious marriage and my new husband has recently adopted them. I do not havecontact with my former spouse and it has worked out wonderfully. I can seeboth ends of the spectrum here. But is there anything I can do? I’ve beenharassed with unwanted telephone calls and pictures of the child that hedidn’t want either. All of us are police officers but I have not received anysupport from her job because they have recently condoned the behavior becauseit is his child. He refuses to legitimize the daughter but he is supportingthe child. Does this mean that we have to get harassed about an unwantedpregnancy that happened 6 years ago until the child support ends or is thereanything we can do besides obtaining a restraining order against the mother?Please help me!!! I would love to live in peace and harmony for a change.Sincerely,S P

Does a step parent have any rights when it comes to a step child. I am the"wicked" step mother and "mother" doesn’t like me. The children adoreme andI would do anything for them. I made some phone calls on my step daughter’sbehalf, instead of her father doing this, and have been admonished by hermother. I am now no longer allowed to phone their home, step foot on herproperty, or do anything on the children’s behalf. Can she have this powerover me? This is an ugly situation and I feel that it can do nothing but hurtthe kids. I have tried for four years to have a conversation with this woman,but she refuses and wants no part of me. what should I do. I have a realhard time standing by and watching the kids get hurt (emotionally). I knowshe loves her kids.S

Answer

I think you do have some rights when acting on the request of your husband,particularly ifthe father is absent and the children are with you. And I think you are right. She is hurting her children more than you. Just keep loving the kids. No one can ever have too many people loving them.Will your husband intercede? JK

CAN YOU GIVE ME ANY INFO ON HOW TO BE A GOOD STEPMOTHER?I’VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 2 YEARS.

THANK YOU

I have a very blended family, it consists of a yours, mine and ours. Myquestion is how do we get the family to blend when we are all together?Another question, how do I get my husband to get over the guilt he feels fornot being in his son’s life more and to get him to quit taking it out on his"new" family?

CyberParent Recommended Reading for More Information: Introducing the StepParents’ Web StepParent Web Directory Q & A Series Blended Family Blended or Blender? New Stepparent: Now What? Stepkin: An Evolution What Is a Single Stepparent? Building Kinship Short and Long-Term Visitation Second Marriages with Children Both Are Non-Custody Parents Six Common Stepfamily Conflicts Thanks, Mike! Doggy-Blue

One Non-Custody Parent/Spouse Has Visitation Rights

Stepparents Seek Advice from Other Stepparents.

Stepfathers: A fact of life in America today.

Time-out: An Effective Discipline for Stepfamilies.

Multiple page series of letters about stepparenting from CyberParent surfers.

Genetic Engineering: What Is It and How Can It Affect My Family? Book Review: The Blended Family Sourcebook Book Review: Blending Families Book Review: The Courage to Be a Stepmom Book Review: Divorce and New Beginnings Book Review: Stepcoupling Book Review: Step Wars Book Review: Step Wise Book Review: Surviving Your Adolescents. Book Review: 1-2-3 Magic Book Review: The Combined Family Book Review: Living in a StepFamily

Note: The opinions expressed herein are exclusively those of the writers and do not necessarily reflect the position of CyberParent. They are not intended to take the place of advice of a health professional whose advice you might need to seek.

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